Posted in bucky barnes, fanfiction, reader insert, steve rogers, stucky

The Pain in Serendipity – 26

The Pain in Serendipity – A Captain America Fanfic

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Character Pairing:  Steve Rogers x F!Reader, Bucky Barnes x Steve Rogers (possible polyamory in future).

Rating: E

Word Count: 1917

Warnings: sex talk

Synopsis:   When Thanos snaps his fingers it takes your daughter and Steve Rogers’ first love with it.  Together you pick up the pieces, falling in love and building a family together.  Finding serendipity in your shared trauma.  When opportunity comes to bring back those who are lost comes with the risk of more loss for you both.  Is it worth taking the risk?

Chapter 26

The house you had bought on your own with your own money over four years ago was a large family home in Brooklyn.  It wasn’t fancy, nor was it in a particularly good neighborhood.  As much as you would have loved to buy a five-story brownstone on the upper east side of Manhattan, even with Steve’s years of back pay from the army, you couldn’t have afforded that.  Still, your home was three stories and had four bedrooms – enough so that each of your kids could have their own room.  It had three bathrooms and the kitchen was roomy with a floating island.  It had a backyard and even though it was oddly shaped and you had to go up a flight of stairs to access half of it, it was big enough for a trampoline and a basketball hoop.  It was a good home for a family, and even though you and Steve had planned a lot of upgrades that you’d never gotten to, it was comfortable, big enough for all of you, and it was yours.

With you, Steve, Bucky, Alice, Jacob, and Callie all living there, the spacious home was feeling a lot less spacious.

Callie was using Ryan’s room until she could decide how best to share custody of Jacob.  As much as it broke your heart to do it, you put Alice in Isabella’s room.  There were plans to make it more Alice’s room, but the thought of packing up Isabella’s things reopened those wounds of her being taken from you all over again.  Part of you wanted to leave it there for her in case they changed their mind. But even if you did pack it up, then what?  Did you put her things in storage?  Did you ship it to her?  It hurt to even consider those options.

With all the other rooms taken, Bucky was sleeping on the couch in the living room.  Where he’d go when Callie had a more permanent home depended on what happened with you, him, and Steve.

The two of you had spoken again about sharing Steve and what it would mean if you did, but it had never gone further than talk and neither of you had approached Steve about it.  The mixture of grief and fear seemed to keep you from taking that step.  You knew if you didn’t try soon Bucky would move out and try to move on and Steve would lose him.  You couldn’t be the one that caused Steve to lose anyone else – not after how many people he’d already lost in his life.

After a week of being home and grieving together and trying to get back to your lives now that Alice was back and Isabella was gone, you and Bucky decided to approach Steve.

Steve was already in bed as Bucky cleaned the kitchen and you read Alice to sleep.  The two of you bumped into each other in the hall.

“Hey,” you said.  “The kids are in bed.  I was thinking… maybe we could go and speak to Steve… about us.”

He looked at you and furrowed his brow.  “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“I know that if either of us could, we’d have Steve just to ourselves and he’d be happy and so would everyone else.  But that’s not going to happen.  If you’re okay with this as a compromise, I can be too,” you said.

Bucky took a deep breath and nodded.  “Okay.  Let’s go talk.”

He followed you into the bedroom that you shared with Steve.  Steve looked up from his book and raised an eyebrow.  “What’s going on?” he asked.

You moved to sit next to Steve and patted a spot on the bed.  Bucky hesitantly sat down.  “We wanted to talk to you… about us.”

Steve looked between the two of you, his brows knitting together in confusion.  “I don’t understand.”

You took his hand.  “You are such a good man,” you said.  “I cannot believe how lucky I’ve been to have you in my life.  I know I could trust you not to cheat on me.  But I also know you’d always wonder what would have happened if things were different.  I know you’ll always love Bucky.  And I know you’d always feel guilty for not only having to break Bucky’s heart but also because you felt that I wasn’t enough…”

“Honey, I don’t think that.  I…”

You shook your head and held up your hand to quiet him.  “No, let me finish,” you said.  “The thing is, I know exactly how you feel.  I’ve lost a man I loved.  I have no idea what I’d do if he showed up right now alive and well and having no memory of the past nine years that had passed since he died.  Because I do still love him and I always will.  Love doesn’t just go away because someone dies.  And here you are dealing with the fact your fiance returned after you thought he had died.  I know you love me.  And I know you love him.  And neither of us can be angry at you because you were faithful and you loved us.  It’s just that Bucky died and you moved on.” 

“I don’t know what you’re saying here, honey,” Steve said.  “Do you want me to cheat on you?  Or is this some sort of preemptive breakup talk?”

“No,” you laughed. “Steve.  There are other options.  You know – with Callie being so open and receptive to sharing custody of J.J. – she’s happy for him to call me mommy and you daddy and has even come to stay with us and is open to having a sleepout out the back to live in with him.  She’s twisting her life to make this work out for us all, and on some level, it must hurt her.  The fact she’s willing to do that throws the fact that Bella’s parents weren’t even willing to let us see her in such a harsh light.  Do you know what I’d give to have them say they’d let us share?  Well – this is me saying I’m willing to share.  I know you love us both.  So love us both.”

Steve looked more confused than ever.  He blinked and looked from you to Bucky.  “Bucky?” he said.

“I don’t want to lose you.  Not after everything we’ve been through,” Bucky said.

“How is this fair to either of you?” Steve asked.  “Shouldn’t commitment be that?  Commitment to the relationship?”

“Families and relationships can be made up in all kinds of ways.  I mean look at us.  We adopted three kids.  We now live with the mother of one of them.  Lots of people live polyamorously.  We just need to be open to it and communicate well.”

Steve grabbed his glass from the bedside table and drained it all n three long swallows.

Bucky looked at you growing with his brow furrowed.  You took his hand and gently squeezed it.

“How would this work?” Steve asked.

“Bucky and I have talked a lot this week,” you explained.  “About what we want and what we’re okay with.  We thought that when we’ve built the sleep out for Callie and J.J. or they just move out – Bucky can take J.J’s room and you can go between us.”

Steve frowned.  “I hate the idea of going between you like that.  It feels like you both get stiffed.”

You couldn’t help the giggle that bubbled up.  “I mean – that is the idea…”

Bucky snorted and nudged you as Steve shook his head and stifled a laugh.  “You know what I mean,” he said.

“Steve,” Bucky said.  “The way it is now, one of us wins and the other loses.  The best I get to hope for is that you two break up or that we end up having an affair.  I don’t want to be that guy and I know you don’t either.  This way, we all get something.”

“And Bucky and I aren’t opposed to the three of us working to be together as a group so that we end up sharing a bed.  We both agree that would be ideal because then we’d all feel like equals.  But we barely know each other.  We need to build up to that in a way that doesn’t risk what you have with each of us,” you added.

Steve sighed and ran his hand over the back of his head.  “You’re both sure you want to try this?  I feel like you’re both settling to make me happy.”

“No,” you said.  “We’re coming to an arrangement so we can all be happy.”

Steve tugged you toward him and you leaned in, pressing a slow, deep kiss to his lips.  When he pulled back he rested his forehead against yours.  “I love you so much.  I hope you know that.”

“I know.  I love you too.  And you deserve to be happy.  We all do,” you said.  “I think the two of you have some catching up to do.”

Steve looked over at Bucky and smiled.  “Buck?”

Bucky moved in, cradling Steve’s head in his hands as he pressed his forehead against Steve’s.  “I missed you so much,” Steve whispered.

“I know,” Bucky said.  “You’ll never have to again.”  He brought his lips to Steve’s and the two kissed.

You had thought you might feel jealous seeing them kiss.  You didn’t.  It felt right.  Like a missing piece of a puzzle falling into place.  As much as you loved Steve you had known part of his heart was with someone else, and here, now, they were finally reunited and there was still room for you.

Steve kissed Bucky with a tenderness that you hand experienced and a need you had felt yourself.  Yes, Steve loved Bucky, but he loved you too.  You were grateful to not only experience it but to share it too.

You stood to leave them to it, but Steve pulled back and grabbed your hand.  You stopped and looked back at him.

“Are you sure about this?” he asked.  “I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I didn’t just decide this now, Steve.  This is right.  Catch back up with the man you love.  I’ll sleep on the couch,” you said.

“I love you,” he whispered.

You leaned down and kissed him.  It was deep and tender, but fleeting.  “I love you too,” you said as you pulled back.

‘Thank you,’ Bucky mouthed as you pulled away from them both.

You smiled.  ‘Have fun,’ you mouthed back.

You had been so scared and in pain since the blip.  There was part of you that felt that you should feel that same fear and pain right now.  Instead, you just felt hopeful.  Like you’d grown your family rather than lost part of it.

You set up the couch and read for a while.  You were just drifting off to sleep when the door to the living room opened.

Steve approached you and crouched by the bed.  “You asleep, honey?” Steve whispered.

“Not yet,” you replied.

“Can you come up and sleep with us?” Steve asked.  “I’d feel better if you were both there.”

You smiled and got up, following Steve upstairs.  The bed was not big enough for you and two super-soldiers, but you all squeezed in together.

That was the first time that you shared a bed with both Steve and Bucky.  It was to be the first of many.


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