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The Pain in Serendipity – 21

The Pain in Serendipity – A Captain America Fanfic

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Character Pairing:  Steve Rogers x F!Reader, Bucky Barnes x Steve Rogers (possible polyamory in future).

Rating: E

Word Count:   1908

Warnings: angst, blip stuff, smut (MF, vaginal sex)

Synopsis:   When Thanos snaps his fingers it takes your daughter and Steve Rogers’ first love with it.  Together you pick up the pieces, falling in love and building a family together.  Finding serendipity in your shared trauma.  When opportunity comes to bring back those who are lost comes with the risk of more loss for you both.  Is it worth taking the risk?


Chapter 21

You were unsettled.

The words Pepper had spoken at the funeral had sat with you and you pawed over them as you had dinner with your family and the family of your family.  So many people who were all now connected with you, all sitting at the little metal tables in the cafeteria.  Your husband, and your children.  The biological parents of your children.  Your husband’s ex and his friends.  The room should be filled with joy because these people all loved each other, and yet instead there were a bunch of what-ifs and maybes.

You spent the meal trying to appreciate the people you had and figure out how you could be okay with what you had to come.

By the time you climbed into bed, you weren’t sure if you had any more clarity, but you did have some more thoughts about possible ways to keep everyone together in some sense.

You sat and watched Steve brushing his teeth through the door of the bathroom.  He looked exhausted.  It was a common state for all of you, but him more than most.  He was stretched thin and you wondered what had been going on in his head lately.  The funeral was the first day either of you had had a chance to just stop and let yourselves process any of this properly.  Each of you had been trying so hard to be the strong ones not just for each other, but for everyone.

Steve came into the room and crawled into bed with you, immediately curling into you and pressing his face into your neck.  You wrapped your arms around him and curled your fingers into his hair.  He wrapped an arm around your waist and you held him as he finally, after all this time, let himself be weak.

“I’ve got you,” you whispered, your fingernails grazing down the back of his neck.  “It’s okay, Steve.”

“Did we do the wrong thing?” he said softly.  “I feel like I traded lives.”

You shook your head.  “We can’t question it now.  It’s happened.  We have to make the best of it.”

Steve’s arms tightened around you and his lips brushed against your neck.  “I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you.”

You pressed your cheek to the top of her head and pulled him tight against you.  “It’s okay.  It’s okay.  I understand a lot is going on right now.”

He started to calm against you and you ran your fingers through his hair.  “Tell me how you’re feeling about everything,” you said softly.  “About the kids and your friends.  About Bucky.”

Steve let out a breath and pulled back to look at you.  “I’m scared about the kids.  I know that Ryan will be part of our lives, but I’m scared about losing the others.  Mark and Julia seem to be angry they’ve missed so much and that Isabella calls us mom and dad.”

“They are,” you agreed.  “And I don’t know what to do. She’s their daughter.  I know we adopted her, but it’s not like they had a say in that.  I’m hoping they come around and we can work out a way to be in her life, but right now they’re hurt and scared.”

“I feel like we’re giving up our kids,” he said.

You nodded.  “I know.  Even Callie saying that she’ll make sure J.J. will be in our lives feels like I’m giving him up.  I worry for them too because even if we do just look at what we did as taking care of them until their parents came back, they already went through their family disappearing, now they have to do it again?  It’s going to be hard on Bella.”

Steve nodded.  “I hope we can work it out,” he said with a sigh.  Neither of you said anything for a moment and he kissed your hands.  “We’ll be okay, won’t we?”

“I hope so,” you said.

“That doesn’t sound too comforting,” he said with a frown.

“I’m sorry.  I really do hope we do,” you said.  “I don’t know how I’ll survive this without you.  But – losing your children is a big reason for people breaking up.  Add to that that we got together because of them, and now your childhood love has returned…”

Steve dropped his eyes to your hands and took a deep breath.  “I worry about that too, and that I’m taking too long to get to know Alice and she’ll end up hating me.”

“She won’t hate you,” you said.  “She’s coping quite well considering how hard it’s been on everyone else.  Like she just has new friends in her life now.  I keep thinking I’m neglecting her because of everything else.”

“I know I’m not here a lot, but I promise you’re not.  You have a lot on your plate and the way you’re balancing everything… you’re my hero, sweetheart,” Steve said. 

You smiled and cuddled up against him again. He began pressing kisses to your neck as you ran your fingers through his hair.  “I hope we find out what the government decides the law is regarding people who have returned soon.  This whole thing would be a lot easier if we knew who legally had custody of the kids.  I mean – I don’t – I think we need to give their biological parents custody.  I think that’s the right thing to do, but if I knew we were protected for visitations I’d be able to relax.”

“I know what you mean,” he said softly.  “Either way, let’s hope that they realize we love her as much as they do.”

You nodded.  “I guess for now that’s all we can do – hope.”

He leaned up and captured your lips, yet as he kissed you, you couldn’t quite relax.  His lips moved along your jaw and you tilted your head back and tugged on his hair.  “Steve,” you whispered.

“Mmm?” he hummed against your skin.

“At the funeral when Pepper said that Tony would want people to figure out how to be happy and that he never did things the typical way, you looked at me and Bucky,” you said.  He stopped his ministrations and pulled back to look at you.  When he didn’t say anything you ran your fingers along his jaw.  “You still love him don’t you?”

It took him a moment to answer.  “Honey,” he said.  “I’m in love with you and I wouldn’t ever do anything to break your trust…”

“But?” you pressed.

“I do,” he said, dropping his eyes.  “Honey, you have to understand what Bucky and I had, we’ve known each other for almost a century, and we’ve always found each other.  We have a bond.  That doesn’t just go away.  And for Bucky, he didn’t have these five years.  We were engaged and then all of a sudden we weren’t and I was married to you.  We’re just trying to navigate this new thing.”

“I know.  I just think we need to be open about all this,” you said.  “We’ve had a lot to worry about and I think if we just try and pretend that feelings don’t exist while all this stress is on us is an invitation to disaster.”

“You’re right,” he said.  “And I wasn’t trying to keep it from you.  I just thought with the issue with the kids, we should deal with that first.  I would never – ever – act on these feelings I have.  I promise you that.  I’ll take back the stones, and we’ll get settled at home and then I’ll take time to figure out how I really feel about everything.”

You wanted to ask him; What if he realized that he felt more strongly about Bucky than he did about you?  But you knew the answer to that, and he was right, you weren’t ready to deal with that.  So instead, you wrapped your arms tightly around his waist and buried your face in his neck.  “I love you,” you murmured against his skin.

“I love you too,” he said and began to pepper slow, tender kisses down his jaw.  “I’m here, sweetheart.”

You tilted your head and captured his lips and he pushed you back onto your pillow, caging you in between his arms as he kissed you deeply.  You ran your hands up his back and clung to his shoulders as he ran his hand down your body and into your panties.  His fingers found your clit and rubbed it in tight circles.  A warm buzz began to travel through your body and you arched your back and pushed against his hand, trying to deepen that feeling.

As he rubbed your clit you worked your way out of your panties and kicked them away.  He moved between your legs and started to grind down on you.  You pushed his boxers down and tilted your hips so his cock slid up and down your folds

It felt like it had been too long since the two of you had done this and you hadn’t realized how badly you needed it.  You held him as close to you as you could and refused to break the kiss.

He matched your passion, running his cock up and down your folds.  The head of his cock rolled against your clit sending small jolts shuddering through you.  You reached between the two of you, wrapped your fingers around his shaft, and guided him inside you.

There was no rush to what you were doing.  It was deep and intimate, more about connection than release.  It was everything you had been missing and everything you needed.  With each thrust of his hips, his base rubbed on your clit, bringing you closer and closer to the edge.

Your first orgasm rolled through like a wave, slowly enveloping all of you, and making you break the kiss as all your muscles clenched in sequence.  Steve grabbed the head of the bed and began thrusting harder and faster.  You arched under him, moaning loudly as you dug your fingers into his arms.  You were so wet it made a graphic squelch sound each time he thrust into you.  He slipped his hand between you and began to rub your clit at the same pace he was fucking you.

Your second orgasm crashed through you, making your legs tremble and your body shake.  Steve’s hips began to stutter and with a deep groan, he thrust into you and came, spilling deep inside you.

You wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him into a deep kiss as his cock pulsed inside you.  As it stilled you slowly let him go he smiled down at you as he slipped from with you and rolled onto his back.  You cuddled into his side and he wrapped his arm around you.  “I needed that,” you whispered.

“Me too,” he said.  “I’m sorry I haven’t been here.”

“It’s not your fault.  When you’ve returned the stones…”

He hummed and kissed our lips gently.  “How did I get so lucky to have you?”

“I think you deserve so much more,” you said and as the words fell from your mouth you realized how true they were.  He did so much for the world and all he wanted was to be happy.  He deserved a safe place to land and you vowed that no matter what happened, you would be his safe place, just as he had always been yours.


// NEXT

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